“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
(Jupiter –
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks