Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Perfect
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.