5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I love the National Park Service.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.