bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Wednesday
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.