ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
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Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.