Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.