If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day