You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Expectations vs. Reality
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.