My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
You Might Also Like
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My what?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.