I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?