that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs