Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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He a real one for that
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew