As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Going into Monday like
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
#FunnyLife Insects
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular