If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140