I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
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You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
went fishing caught a bass