‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.