If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you