That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing