I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
#damn
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*