Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style