I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party