I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.