If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
scrabbled eggs
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.