My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course