Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
You Might Also Like
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”