Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*