[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
look at me when i’m typing to you
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.