a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Buying a well is money well spent.
The French cow says MEUX…
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sheep
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕