By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
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My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no