Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*