Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?