I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird