Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for