My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed