check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You Might Also Like
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
bury ourselves
yes… yes…
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.