Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.