not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that