Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.