Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Monday?
No. Next question.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these