my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
This makes total sense…
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
i prefer mine room temperature.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.