K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My birthstone is kidney
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.