My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies