Strangers have the best candy.
You Might Also Like
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice