me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
😍😂🥰😂😍
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Husband of the year 😂
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.