I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Trumpy Cat
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.