Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
o shit
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂