Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
You Might Also Like
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.