If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.