Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”