“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”